The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
