zippers are such a cool invention
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
