An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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