DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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