My sheets look like a crime scene.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
