I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I will pee on everything he values.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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