Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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