you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
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Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
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I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
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