seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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