you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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