Got a toothbrush?
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
