My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
