it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
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That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
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id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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