my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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