A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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