Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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