last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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