Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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