I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I think my fart just growled at me.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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