both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
