people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
