i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
