somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
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he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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