Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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