Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
