I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
