thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
