I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
My ATM looks so different sober.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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