If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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