My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
They took my balls.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
