I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
