I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
