about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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