my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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