Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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