There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
