So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize