Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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