I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
