what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
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