Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
