he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
