You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
