dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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