Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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