I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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