final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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