Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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