I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
