Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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