I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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