I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always