PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.