Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW