I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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